One

The first time I saw myself was as a name sitting on a page.

Kindergarten was good. Mrs. Lays was nice, and the other kids too, but sometimes I got sick in my heart and tears came. I knew it was because I had to stay inside all day being watched. But at home too there was always someone watching. Dad circled the yard, and when he came near, the fun left. And even if Dad or Mom weren’t looking, God was.

There was a fly on the window glass next to my seat. I watched it for a while. It must be nice to be a fly. You can go anywhere you want and never be bored. You can pee or poo without asking. You can even touch yourself down there, if you have a down there. But God watched flies too. God watched almost everything.

My favorite place was the bathtub. It was warm and you could splash and be alone as your own warm self for a while. Even God couldn’t watch because he wasn’t supposed to look at naked kids.

Mrs. Lays told us to write our names and something about ourselves. I took a piece of paper and wrote.

It made me feel solid to hold a pencil and write my name. I was leaving something behind so people wouldn’t forget me. The letters stayed even when I looked away. They would still be there at night, saying my name while I was far away.

Mrs. Lays came by. “Nicely done, George! Do you want to try writing the names of your parents next?”

I thought about it and shook my head.

Mrs. Lays smiled. “Well, why don’t you write what city you live in then? Do you know how?”

I shook my head and she wrote it out for me. I copied it.

“Very good! Now, why don’t you write ‘United States of America?’”

I knew how to write it already so I put it down.

“Then what comes after that?”

“The World,” Mrs. Lays said.

I put it down too.

“What comes after that?”

But she walked away. She wouldn’t tell me what came after “The World,” so I added something anyway.

The other kids were slow, so I turned the paper over where Mrs. Lays couldn’t see. I drew a house with a chimney and added the sun behind it. I didn’t add windows. Outside the house I drew some trees and in the middle of the trees I put a boy. Then I added leaves to the trees so no one could see him.

After dinner it was getting dark but not all the way. I took the paper with the drawing, folded it small and put it in my pocket. I walked behind the houses to where the trees got close together near Olive Road. The big one in the middle was mine. It had roots like giant snakes that were nice to sit on. I dug at the base with a stick until I hit the metal car I’d left there last time. I pulled it out and brushed it off. The wheels still rolled smooth as I pushed it up the side of a root and back down. Then I dug the hole deeper and put the folded paper in the bottom and the car on top of the paper. I covered both of them and patted the dirt solid.

When I got home Dad was on the couch reading. He didn’t look up and I was glad.